Wow, it has been a while…..

It certainly has been a while since I have posted……

I guess I havn’t bothered as really, nothing in my life ever changes.

• Work, 1pm – 9pm, Mon-Fri
• Raid, 10pm – 1am, T-Th
• Do whatever I am in the mood for, invited too on the weekends.

That is about it, only other spice in life has been that I am living on my own now.  Jamie moved out to have more space for him and Chase.  I am slowly getting the apartment in order, washing the pile of dishes that have been sitting in the basement at my folks place for years.  On top of that, I have been going thru all the stuff I have collected over the years that is stored away in boxes, deciding what to keep, what to toss, what to give away, etc…. It has been an experience so far, last time I lived on my own was completly different, I was in school, more or less carefree.  This time is very much different…..   I am alone, working rather then school, paying my own way, fully responsible for what happens to me, where I end up, how I get there, and what awaits me when I get there.

I guess I do have something to look forward too,  I am flying out to Alberta for the weekend on the 1st of May with Dad for a dart tournament/vacation.   It should be a pretty good time, looking forward to it, might just relax at the hotel/dart venue, might cab it into Calgary depending on prices and the like.  I just dunno at this point.  I might just play it by ear and enjoy myself…….

Not much else as of late, I sit around my house, do a lot of nothing, kinda detached from the world, doing my own thing.  I don’t even play a whole lot of WoW anymore, I still raid 3 days a week, but other then that my desire to log in has been weakening quite a bit as of late.

Meh, not sure what else to write, might write again later, but at the moment, I have a case to work on :-/

Stood up….

Le Sigh…..

Had plans for coffee today, but was stood up….kinda

I was late myself by a good 15minutes,  however she never made it uptown until well after I was at work…:-(  We are going to try coffee again tommorrow to catch up on the past few months that we havn’t spoken.

Quiet & Peaceful……

With so much going on inside my head as of late it has become increasingly difficult to focus on one specific task.  My mind keeps jumping from one thought to the next, over and over and over again.  Never stopping, never resting, always on, switch broken.

To top everything off, I got a message from someone this weekend past that I considered a very close friend, someone who knew me, and knew me well.  She has been going thru a rough spell in her work and home life and hasn’t had the time to sit down and catch up with me.  That much is fine, it is her life, and for the past while I have been doing my best to stay out of her affairs, as my meddling could cause more harm then good, not only to her, but to her son as well.

We talked a bit, and were making plans to go for coffee sometime soon to actually sit down and catch up properly.  Which is something I am actually looking forward too.  Hopefully I can sit there with her and just chat, catch up, push all other thoughts out of head, at least for the little bit of time I have with her.

There are still many other things floating through my head, thoughts, worries, hatred, anger, rage, ………. Many things I cannot control, many things I cannot help, and others that I am not sure I have the strength to get through.  Only time will tell what happens when my fears morph into reality, and I am forced to deal with a great many of things all at once.

Will I have the strength to pull through, if not will I have the support to push me through, or will I, like I have in the past, shut down for a while,have a  system overload, and wait for a reboot to keep on going.

So many questions, no little answers, so many frustrations, so much anger and rage……

Sigh, as a friend and I were chatting last night, we both agreed it would be much better if we could rewind until we were 8 years old.  Everything was simple back then, Saturday Morning Cartoons, Mac and Cheese, when hot dogs went with everything, no worries, no respondsabilities, just quiet & peaceful existence

Maybe I should start looking……

Really….. What kind of BS is this? Does this crap go on in every company?

As in most places you enter the company at an entry level position.  You work your butt off to spend the least amount of time in that position as possible, so you can move on to bigger and better thing within the company as a whole.

Now my question….

Once you have moved past that entry level position, should you still be expected to do entry level job as well as your new one……….?   Every once in a while, sure.  I don’t mind helping out from time to time when multiple people are sick.

Should you be expected to do it even when those that are being paid to do the job sit at work, getting paid, and are doing nothing……..?  Personally, I think not, but apparently that is not the case here.

What do you do when you are doing your primary role, and while doing so, are taking flack because you are not doing your old job too………..?  Look for new work?  Suck it up and do it?  Flat out tell them you won’t help any longer?  Tell them that it is not your responsibility to cover the job, while those that are paid to do so, sit and do nothing?

I just don’t know anymore, maybe I will fit in somewhere else better then here?  Can I afford it….. financially?  …..Mentally?  …..Physically?         Hell if I know…………

This crap sucks, I came to work today in a fairly decent mood, get here, and am TOLD, not asked, TOLD I was taking Triage calls today.   Sigh…..mood dwindling

Set to work on updating the CPilot cases that I have, as it is my primary role now, only to get an email questioning why I wasn’t taking triage calls……..Seriously…….Mood = PISSED.

I, as well as 3 other former triage agents, should not be forced to take Triage calls….PERIOD.  We take them because we don’t mind helping out, ONCE IN A WHILE.  We are on 4 days now bailing triage out, because they don’t have enough people, and the ones they do have, they can’t get them all to work.  I fully expect this to happen again in Febuary, and March, and April, and May, and so-forth until they either hire more poeple, or hire people who will acutally do the job, instead of sit around and do nothing.

Gah….. More ranting to come later I am sure.

iPod Touch….

Title pretty much says it all.

I am writing this from my new iPod touch.

You all…..

KNEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You all SUCK :-p

Powerless…..

Really don’t know what to say anymore,

• Four people whom I truely believe know me better then I know myself…..
• Four whom I can confide in…..
• Four I can trust…..
• Four I can count on…..
• Four that I know will be there with arm extended when I fall…..
• Four people that know all of the deepest secrets…

And of those four people…

• One of the four people, I talk to in passing…
• One has passed on from this world…
• Two will be passing on well before their time…

I know my math may not he the best, but four minus one minus one minus two equals zero.

I sit and I wonder who I will turn to for guidance, for strength, for support.  I certianly hope that I will have the inner strength to get thru not only one more friend passing, but two more friends passing.  It will be very hard and when the time comes I hope I have the strength to push forward, to remember the good things that they have done, to remember their good times, the laughs, the walks, the chats, the pictures.

Only time will tell what will happen, and in that time I will ensure I am prepared and ready.

Hmmm…….

Hmmm…….

Well it has recently come to my attention that I am more of an asshole then I had previoulsy envisioned.  Now I know I can be an extremly large prick in most cases, that I do know, and have probably pushed some people away because of it, however, this was something I did not envision.

Blindsided by someone that I had considered a friend….. Alas this has gotten me thinking, how many of my other “friends” think the same way or feel the same way?  I will probably never know how many, and I guess at this point there is no need to speculate how many.  It is thus again time to re-evaluate things.

Maybe the time is coming to step away from some things in my life and make a change, change of what, I am not sure at this point.  I have commitments here that I have to stick to, then I just don’t know where things may lead.  Guess I will have to go into savings mode now, and start making small plans for the distant future.

Hmmm…….

How do you deal…..

How do you deal when friends are hurting, and you have to sit and watch, and not be able to do anything?  Do you suck it up, life goes on after all?  Do you hide yourself away in a corner somewhere, walking this world aimless?  Do you join them in the end?

These questions have been haunting me for a while now, and though I have tried my best to ignore them, now at this point in time……… I just can’t ignore them anymore.

This would be a big enough weight on ones shoulders, with only having one person that I feel powerless in helping, but now, I have two very close friends that I am powerless to help.

Two exceptional people, who have helped so many in their young lives, will be taken from this world in what is realistically a very short time.  Two people who have come to be considered two of my closest friends.  I can laugh with them, share anything with them, confide things in them, trust them.  Two people who know most if not all of my deepest secrets, two people who truly know who I actually am, who understand me, know how to piss me off or how to calm me down.  They can tell when I am angry, can tell when something is on my mind, can tell when I am happy, can tell when I am sad.  They back off when I need my space, push me when I need to realize things, slap me side the head when I need it.

Two exceptional people, one of whom I have never actually met in person…..How can they both know me so well?  How will I deal, when the only two people who know me this well are gone from this world?  Guess time will tell, and as one of these friends once wrote…..Does time truly heal all wounds?

In a heartbeat, without more then a single thought, If I could, I would take the pain, the hurt, the “city” as he calls it, from him, Giving him a chance to carry on the work he has so diligently worked over the years.  I would also and give my heart to the other.  So she to can carry on the work that she chooses, work that is desperately needed.

A worthy sacrifice of my own health so two great people could still help so many more who need it.  So they could be happy and ultimately, so they could be together.  They both deserve to be happy, deserve to be healthy.  The happiest I have ever seen/heard from both of them, was when they are together.  The love they have for the other, hidden away, protected, is larger then most happily married couples I know.  Knowing that the two of them will not be together in this world saddens me greatly, but alas is yet something else I can not control.

Enoughs…….

No more nudges….

One more nudge and I am gonna snap…………………………………

ok ok

JK, someone told me I needed to post more often :-p